by 
Let’s
explore the role of the people in your life. Are they elevating you to
be the best person you can be, or are they holding you back?
When going through major life shifts, like changing
careers, I would shift the people with whom I spent the most time. We’ve
all gone through periods where the people in our lives have changed —
graduation, moving to a new city, getting a new job, joining a new club,
etc. I don’t think I need to convince you just how much influence other
people can have over your identity. If you’ve ever experienced a major
shift in your people environment, then you know that you change as well.
Most people don’t make these choices consciously though.
You might consciously decide to spend more time with a certain friend,
or you may ask someone out on a date to begin a new relationship. But
few people choose the bulk of their existing friendships deliberately.
Chance meetings may be out of your control, but the strength or weakness
of your existing connections is largely under your control.
Think for a moment about the 5-10 people with whom you
spend the most time. Even include online communities if you spend a lot
of time reading them — which individuals are having the most influence
over your thinking right now? Actually write out the list — it should
only take a minute. And this includes family members.
Now look at the list. It’s been said that this list will give you a glimpse into your future.
Do you want to become more like these people? Yes or no. Is
anyone on the list a bad influence that causes you to backslide? Is
anyone on the list a shining light that encourages you to reach new
heights?
Now have you ever thought about consciously changing this
list? Do you realize that you have the ability to populate this list by
choice instead of by chance? You’re free to say no to having certain
people in your life, and you’re also free to make the effort to
introduce new people you want in your life. Sometimes there are serious
consequences, such as with family members and bosses, but it’s still a
choice.
There’s no “getting rid of people.” People are always
drifting in and out of each others’ lives. Associations grow into
friendships, and friendships fade into associations. You don’t get rid
of anyone. The truth is that in order to make room for new people and
new experiences, you may need to loosen up some of your existing
connections.
What about loyalty? Shouldn’t you always be loyal to your
friends? Once you have a close friend, even if their influence on you is
somewhat destructive, shouldn’t you stick by them?
Loyalty is one of my personal values. But my value of
loyalty means being loyal to my vision of my highest and best self and
to my core values. And this runs both ways. While I know I can’t afford
to hang on to friendships that conflict with my values, I also can’t
hang onto friends that I may be holding back in some way. I only want to
have win-win relationships where everyone benefits.
Loyalty to a friend sometimes means having to let go. It
means being loyal to their highest and best self as well. If someone is
destroying their health by smoking, for example, you aren’t showing
loyalty by smoking right along with them. What are you being loyal to
then? Death? True loyalty sometimes requires that you break destructive
connections, get yourself back on solid ground, and then decide what you
can really do to help your friend (which sometimes requires letting
them hit bottom).
What about trying to change/rescue people in need? Although
I don’t think it’s impossible to transform a destructive relationship
from within, it’s very difficult unless you have a lot of support. While
you’re trying to elevate the other person, you’re sinking at the same
time. You’d probably need a buffer of many other strong relationships in
order to transform one destructive relationship. I think the best
approach is to leave the destructive relationship behind, form new
relationships to get your strength back, and then (keeping those new
relationships), you’ll have the ability to revisit and transform the old
destructive relationship with a much reduced risk of being sucked back
into old patterns.
I think you can get a pretty good idea of what a person is
like by looking at the people who surround that person. Think about it
for a moment. What kind of people does Obama spend the most time with?
What about the Dalai Lama? Your children? Even Jesus was surrounded by
the 12 Apostles. So one betrayed him, and one thrice denied knowing him,
but 10 out of 12 isn’t bad. If you had a dozen loyal devotees following
you everywhere, perhaps you might enjoy some fairly elevated thinking
too.
It can take a lot of courage to tell someone, “I’m sorry,
but I can’t have you in my life anymore.” But even though this might
seem like a selfish act at times, it’s often the best thing for the
other person too. If a relationship is holding you back in some way,
understand that it’s also hurting the other person. For example, if you
work for an abusive boss, your acceptance of that situation constitutes
silent approval, encouraging your boss to continue to behave abusively
(towards yourself and others).
If you smoke and suddenly say to all your smoker friends,
“I’m sorry, but I can’t continue to be friends with people who smoke
anymore. I’ve decided I need to be a nonsmoker,” you’ll probably meet
with a lot of resistance. But if you follow through with it, your
actions will eat away at some of those old friends. And a year later
when you’re a nonsmoker, one of them will contact you privately, “I’d
like to quit too. Can you help me?” And you will be able to help. You
might even renew your old friendship, but at a whole new level.
The kinds of relationships I seek out today are those which
have the potential to be win-win, where both people can help each other
to grow in positive ways without holding each other back. Not one
person using the other — synergy. I’m always open and inviting of new
friendships of this kind. If I ever feel like I’m stuck in a cage, I
know it’s time to reach out and make some new connections and/or loosen
up some old ones.
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